Shoulding All Over Myself

The morning is a bit of a mad dash at one point, but not too much different than when I was working at the University of AZ. I get the kiddo and I dressed and ready and out the door by 7am. I am headed to day one of a 3-day seminar for the EmcArts Arts Leaders as Cultural Innovators fellowship being held in my town. No dance clothes for me today. I actually get dressed and put on makeup. But it is relatively stress free and all is well. My hubby is taking off the next three afternoons to pick up Buddy from the bus stop and take him to his various after-school activities and help him with homework until I come home. Very helpful for me.

The seminar ends at 5pm and happy hour begins immediately right outside of the conference room door. I stick around for a while to discuss the material for the day and to (re)connect with some of the out of town fellows, since this is our last convening as a cohort. Tuesday nights is when I usually dance. I have a technique class and rehearsal tonight and though I let the teacher/choreographer know I’ll miss this evening, I’m still debating what to do.

My dance clothes are in the car. I really should leave by 5:30 to make it to class on time. Maybe I can push it to 5:45. I’ll see how it goes. Given that I literally sat all day, and sitting is the worst thing anyone can do for their body, let alone an (ageing? aged?) dancer, I should really go to class. I am just going to be sitting and eating the next three days. And I missed class last Tuesday for a grant panel, where I just sat and ate for like 8 hours counting the driving and the dinner. I haven’t been taking a lot of classes since my dad passed because I want to cry when I dance. I am not going to be dancing over the holidays because we are going out of town. I am really going to get out of shape. I really should go to class. I should leave in 30 minutes.

Time passes. Interesting, meaningful and important conversations are happening. Sharing ideas, building relationships. Politics, gender roles, cultural competencies, the arts. Suddenly, I am the only seminar participant from Tucson left. I get invited to the dinner that was originally intended only for the out of town fellows.

I should stay for the dinner. It is a great networking opportunity. And it is good food, free food.

All of these thoughts fly through my mind in half a second.

A few years ago, I would act on “should” without hesitation. The internal dialogue in my head about what I should be doing, especially in regard to dance and my company, dominated my decision making. But I am slowly learning to stop “shoulding” all over myself. It is a process.

I pause. Take a deep breath. As an INTJ personality type (the seminar participants are all given the Meyers-Briggs test), I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and turn off the internal monologue: “Shoulds” are calling, no shaming me into going to class/rehearsal; they are talking me into staying. I silence my thoughts and listen for my intuition. It tells me to leave and go home.

Without hesitation or regret, I do. Yet there is one more “should” on the ride home.

I really should drive the 40 minutes round trip to my best friend’s house to pick up the chocolate chip cookies she offered to give me because Buddy’s teacher’s birthday is tomorrow and I don’t have time to make or get a present.

But I don’t go. Instead, I join my husband and son at his elementary school’s holiday house. When I get there, my son has a present for me. Later, I have dinner with my family. Silencing my “shoulds.” I’ve made my decision.

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